Day 7 2/11/2020
Today was a true test of my new medication and how well I can handle myself in situations. Heads up, I still fly completely off the rails. I have recently moved back to New Jersey after a short stint in Florida, and yesterday received a call back from a great looking apartment near the music studio where I work. After speaking with the apartment owner through email, and setting up all the necessary protocols by the end of the night I was assured I would get a call back this morning to set a viewing time. This was all set up through Airbnb, disclaimer, nothing I am about to say is the fault of Airbnb and was just complete negligence on my part, trying to chase something that was too good to be true.
The first red flag should’ve been that they were asking for a down payment before viewing the apartment, however, I know that Airbnb usually doesn’t do viewings in person before taking the place. However, I was speaking to this person through their email, so the fact that they live in California and didn’t want to make the trip to allow me access to the apartment and was going to set up with Airbnb a time and person to let me in didn’t seem that unusual. After making the initial payment for the apartment, with full intent of taking the apartment as soon as I got there, I waited all day today to receive a phone call for a time to meet. That never happened. Not only did that never happen, when attempting to call the number I was speaking with yesterday, now I don’t get an answer and either get a call failed signal or a caller busy signal. Thinking they are clearly avoiding my calls, I reached out to a family member to see if calling from a different number would make a difference. It did. When my mother called the number she actually got an answer. What happened next was exactly what we expected. Once he got my name, he immediately hung up the phone and would no longer accept calls from either my or my mothers number.
With the on going anger issues I already have, coupled with my brain literally in the process of chemically changing, I went absolutely ballistic. I can’t remember a time I was fuming this much. So much so I was constantly running, yes running, through my house trying to find things I could do to either take my mind off this situation or figure a way to just completely ruin this person. After about 30 minutes of that I had to go to work. So as I am still fuming while writing this I am also in the midst of attempting to keep my cool standing at the front desk of a gym, who’s members consist of elderly people and a heavy Indian and asian population. Suffice to say anything other than a smile and a happy attitude and these people will not only jump down my throat, but also take it up with my bosses. While this doesn’t actually matter to me, as losing this job would just give me more time to focus on music and building my company, but I could also just as easily find another part-time job, or just start driving for and number of delivery services. Still it is not worth the fight or headache.
One thing I will say is in a situation like this, Lamictal was a life savor, literally and figuratively. Normally when something like this would occur, not only would I fly off the rails even worse than I did today, but I would spiral into a long lasting depression state thinking of different ways to kill myself. Not because I want to or think this is the best option, but just because that is how my mind works. However, today, my mind was trying to go to these places, but the effects of the Lamical wouldn’t allow my mind and body to full go there. The weird part about it all, I wanted to go back into that dark place and just be in the familiarity of that thought process. I think the fact I wasn’t able to get to this normal place, threw me for even more of a loop than it normally would. I guess its a good thing that I’m not able to get to these kinds of places in my mind anymore, because on a day like today I would have been reaching for the pill bottle, or the gun(not that I ever have one because I was always afraid what I would do if I had access to a gun in situations like this) or actually try and flip my car going 80-90 hoping for the worst possible out come.
Still all these hours later I was able to calm down a tiny bit, still fuming and if I was given the opportunity could probably put a hole in a wall. Positives to be taken away from this situation, can only be described as internal and personal. Knowing now that while on Lamictal my mind won’t allow me to go into these dark places anymore regardless of how much I try or want to. Knowing even when steaming mad I am able to calm down in a relatively short time period and can function around other people without yelling or losing my mind are both positives. Everything else about this was negative, I lost $800, I didn’t get the apartment I wanted, I got completely scammed and can’t get over that fact.
Kommentare