Day 1 02/05/2020:
Today starts my journey of treating my mental health issues. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2, after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety about three years ago officially (I’ve been dealing with depression for many years prior to being officially diagnosed.) Yesterday, was the first time I took my prescribed medicine, Lamictal. I started this regiment around 7pm on Tuesday, February 4, 2020.
You maybe asking yourself, why would I take a medication for mental health before bed? Or, Wouldn’t the pill wear off prior to waking up? This was my first thought too. However, the psychiatrist told me two things: First, Lamictal can make you drowsy. Second, the pill’s effect will last anywhere from 24-29 hours even after sleeping. I can attest to the drowsiness, crashing within an hour of taking the first pill, and had no problem sleeping through the night, almost 10 solid hours. Granted, I will say for the last five years have been a heavy weed smoker, relatively speaking in todays culture, and did smoke a joint with some extra oomph in it two hours before taking the pill as I was told earlier in the day that I wouldn’t get my prescription until the following day. My excitement upon returning home to my drugs was excitement even though I was high and knew the effect would be different then what was to come.
Upon waking up I was feeling groggy and tired, most of which I concede was probably due to the weed still in my system from the night before and previous years of smoking non-stop (warning on the bottle says combining this perception with weed will make you more sleepy.) At the moment of beginning to write this post, around 9am, I can say the pill has stopped the racing thoughts. This was evident in my meditation this morning. During a normal morning meditation, my mind is generally racing with thoughts of past relationships, past situations, what I have to do for the day, people, conversations, sports, movies, song lyrics, business ideas, its a non-stop constant conversation with myself that is as jumbled and less cohesive then the list I just wrote of what is going through my head. Today, however, was actual mediation, where I was able to calm myself, clear my head and be ready for the upcoming day. I was able to sit still and clam for around 25 minutes without the constant thought of, “When is this meditation time done.” I usually set a 10 minute timer as this is usually all the time I have in the morning after working out, cooking and getting ready for work before I have to leave.
During the first few hours of the day I felt lighter, as if a weighted concern has been lifted off my entire body. I was concerned that Lamictal might not be the right drug for my brain chemistry, as the very first sensation I had once I woke up, even before opening my eyes, was the sensation of a pistol barrel pressed against my head being rubbed across the whole surface of my forehead, before pulling the trigger and feeling the bullet rush and tear through my brain. However, this is a feeling I have been having for month and in writing this is actually the first time I have said it out loud in any format to anyone. This feeling usually lasts a few minutes before I get fed up and get out of bed. Today with the effects of Lamictal, this sensation was gone in a matter of seconds which was a welcomed surprise to me, as this is a feeling that occurs multiple times in the matter of the first minutes I wake up before categorizing these feelings as a weird-normal because my brain chemistry is off and I haven’t been suicidal in almost a year.
While beginning to function through my first day on this new prescription, the feeling I’m having is a sort of high without being high. My body feels as if something is shifting, my head feels heavy, as though I would be high but I am not high. I am thinking clearer and right now the world seems to be trying to me new vibrant colors that I am not fully able to see yet. These new colors seem to be appearing, but they seem dull, as though this low beginning dosage is opening the door to what the world is supposed to be but I am not fully there yet. The fact that I am, at least in my mind (pun fully intended), beginning to see things differently is an exciting step forward.
As the day progressed I did notice myself being more alert and attentive in most situations. Engaging with people, especially those I don’t know, has always been a huge issue for me. Today after taking my first pill I had no problem speaking or interacting with anyone, strangers included. This is a huge step forward for me as I begin three new jobs this week, all in different aspects of customer service. 24 hours in and still going strong with noticeable improvements already, especially in regard to my mood, the racing thoughts and interacting with people. The only downside so far was towards the end of the day, around the 24 hour mark and time to take another pill, I was feeling more drowsy then I normally would for 4pm on a Wednesday.
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