Day 2 02/06/2020:
If you’ve ever watched Jerry Maguire, you have undoubtably heard the famous statement, “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?” I beg to differ little Jonathan Lipnicki. My head feels at least twice that weight. Lamictal has my head feeling like a weighted balloon. My body feels almost weightless, light as a feather, as if I am floating in space. While my head is a battle field, continuously feeling pressure but no pain. Imagine having a headache or being sick, your head feels heavy, and in this case my head feels like that of a new born baby, too heavy for my neck to support.
In reading that, you would think there would be a constant stream of thoughts and worries coursing through my brain. This is not the case at all. My mind is completely clear, I am having cohesive thoughts, and feel more brain power then I can ever remember. My main problem with that is when I was high it was hard for me to focus, so I had to tackle one task at a time, most of the time forgetting anything else that needed to be done other than that one task. Now, my mind is firing on all cylinders creating a problem I haven’t had, compartmentalizing. Because my mind is now clear, for the most part there is still some fog, the thoughts of what I need to get accomplished seems like a never ending list. I guess this is what happens when you’re starting a business and getting your life back on track.
This morning, the sensation of the gun came back but in a different way. Today instead of feeling the barrel run across my forehead, it stayed in a singular place under my chin. The unusual part was when the gun fired, it practically missed. Instead of the normal feeling of the bullet piercing through my brain, the bullet went through my lower jaw and hit nothing else. This left me feeling like James William Bottomtooth lll, if you don’t look him up and you will understand. I am not sure still, writing this at 9 pm almost 13 hours after the initial sensation, how to take this. On one hand, it is good that the bullet missed, but on the other hand, I am still concerned that I am having this sensation at all. But hey, at least this time with the help of Lamictal, the sensation was fast and abrupt, lasting only a few seconds instead of the couple of minutes I am accustomed too. And on top of all that, the bullet missed and I was left with nothing more than a hole in my jaw.
A side effect I have noticed is me being more irritable in certain situations, most notably towards the terrible drivers in the state of New Jersey. If I were to take an audio recording of a normal everyday car ride with my mother, the sweet dear that she is, you would hear that the road rage I am experiencing is a family inherited trait. My concern is I am unsure if this is my normal feelings or if this is a side effect of the new drugs. I’ve been know to be an aggressive and impatient driver, some friends would call me reckless, to the point where sitting in traffic once I was constantly hitting my right arm rest holder to the point my final smack broke the latch so it would no longer close. Smoking for the last five years has generally subsided these feelings of anger and aggression, my guess due to utter indifference. Not smoking for the last two days has my road rage through the roof. It has sky rocketed so much that the slightest slow down, or the lightest tap of my breaks causes me to begin a yelling and cursing fit.
Having a clearer mind has been a great benefit for me as I grow in the music business. Before I was clueless, I had no concept of what was going on around me, my sole thought was how fast can I finish what ever the hell it is I am doing so I can go be isolated and smoke until I pass out. Now, I am alert and attentive, with the ability to give insight on new music and artists, even though yes I am still incredibly ignorant about newer acts as my favorite music is old school hip-hop and R&B, think 1980s, 1990s and early 2000s. I am able to be cognizant to the culture and what the sound should be, something I have always been aware of but due to heavy drug use and a mind state that I don’t want to be around people, I would remain silent or give short apprehensive answers as to not give any inkling that I want to continue this conversation.
It is like I am becoming a whole new person. I am bursting out the cocoon, metamorphosing into the butterfly.
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