Day 9 2/13/2020
I think my brain is starting to come around to the chemical changes of Lamicatal. In the last three to four days, the rolling daze like fog I was experiencing last week isn’t occurring so much anymore, if at all. What I am noticing now is just a tired feeling through out the day. Granted, the last two days have been hectic, crazy and emotionally draining. Not being able to smoke, my normal coping method with issues of this nature, I had to find other way to focus and channel my anger. This led to me going into business frenzy mode for the last two nights, staying up working until about 1 am each night. With that said, I chose to sleep in these last two days too. By sleeping in I mean, instead of getting up at 7 am to work out, I would sleep for an extra hour till 8 am and then get ready and go to work without working out. My sleep patterns are defiantly off from my normal schedule, or at least what I conditioned my body to think was a normal schedule, but they are not off enough where I should be feeling this tired through out the whole day.
A huge positive that has been happening since starting Lamictal is how I act in social situations. Before, especially while smoking weed, I was the most anti-social, socially awkward person. Trying to have a conversation with me, unless I knew you or had to be speaking with you, would be described as worse than talking to a brick wall or as hard as pulling teeth. Since starting these pills, my conversation skills are on a whole other level. I am able to not only hold a conversation, but conduct entire conversations with strangers. I am able to competent conversationally in meetings with potential clients, or business and staff meetings in general. Even as little as three weeks ago, if you were to ask me to conduct a meeting, it would have been the shortest meeting on record. At that time my only thought process in meetings was, “What can I say to get this person out of here as fast as humanly possible?” Simply because I didn’t want to deal with anyone, especially strangers, and wanted to be left alone to work by my self.
These tendencies were so blatantly obvious that I can remember one time while at my ex-girlfriends house for the Fourth of July I was sitting at a table outside with here two friends, one who I had just met earlier that day, (after working and being awake for 72 straight hours, traveling to three different states for three different live shows), and the other who I had met briefly maybe twice before. After sitting at the table for a few minutes, maybe five or ten, I can’t honestly be sure as at this point I was delirious from lack of sleep and food, my ex came up to the table and said something along the lines of, “How are we doing? Have we gotten through his social awkwardness yet?” While she was obviously joking, she was completely right. The fact I had been awake for three days working was not the reason I was sitting at a table with people staying quite. It was because at that time I didn’t know how to conduct myself in public situations. Not saying that I do now, but I can defiantly say I am exponential better than I was then. I wish she could see me now, she probably wouldn’t emotionally recognize the person I am today, due partly to the fact I have started these drugs and they are changing me for the better, but also because the growth path I have been on for the last five months since we broke up, has done wonders for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I said at the beginning of this journey that I was both terrified and excited at the same time, because I knew once I was able to get my mind right and find the right concoction of drugs to stabilize me I would be on cloud 9. However the journey to find that right combination was frightening to me because I was unsure exactly how I would react to my brain literally being changed chemically on a daily basis. I can say now that I think the first drug we tried was the winner. I feel exponentially better than I can ever remember feeling in the past. I feel happy, excited, joyful, energetic, (minus the tired feeling of course), and just an overall overwhelming positive energy radiating from myself that I honestly didn’t ever even fathom existed.
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