Day 5 2/9/20202
I think I’m beginning to start to get a handle on the effects of Lamictal. In case it wasn’t clear that was sarcasm. I honestly couldn’t tell you why some of these effects are happening, or why they seem to be rolling, meaning coming and going as the day drags on, and why they only happen when I am doing, or not doing, certain things.
At some points in the day the Lamictal acts almost as the limitless drug we have heard so much about in movies. The pill that allows you to access the 95% of your brain that you never use. Because somehow through human evolution we were able to develop all these new technologies while using only 5% of our brain power, but that is a conversation for another day. If I set my mind on a task I fire on all cylinders and get the task done in record time, continually having new and interesting thoughts and ideas on how to grow my business, further my career and any other thoughts on how to better my current situation. However, in the same turn, if I sit down with little or nothing to do I immediately zone out and basically fall asleep with my eyes open. Couple this with my new found hair pin trigger anger outbursts, and the chemical concoction that is my mind is anything but normal.
I will admit today being Sunday, and my first day off this week and since starting this medication regiment, I decided to almost take today off with the exception of a few documents and personal items that I needed to get done. I spent most of the day in a rolling daze, trying desperately to stay awake and focused and not look like I was constantly fighting off fatigue from sitting watching the newly formed XFL all day. By the way the novelty of the XFL has worn off on me pretty fast, after about the first half of the first game which aired at 2 pm on Saturday. I couldn’t honestly tell you what happened in either of the games I watched today. I sat and watched both games in their entirety (approximately three hours each) with the intent to write a blog post about how the XFL faired in the league’s first weekend back, but I couldn’t focus on either game. I don’t know if it was because my brain is literally being chemically changed as we speak causing a never ending fog, or because the games just weren’t that interesting.
I am becoming increasingly worried about these effects I am feeling due to my new medication, mostly because this daze like fog effects have increased as the week has gone on. Starting five days ago, I had a tiny fog that was manageable. Today, I have lapses in my memory of what I did today. I was walking around my house literally in circles, not because the layout of the first floor of the house is constructed in a circle, but because I was just wondering around not having a clue of what I was doing. If this continues I’m afraid of how it will affect me in the upcoming weeks as I begin to take publishing meetings for artists, and begin to deal with studio staff while managing the studio. I can’t say in the middle of a meeting or when I am trying to speak with staff that I don’t remember what we are talking about, or that I have lost my train of thought, or that I honestly have no idea what is going on because I have zoned out for the last few minutes. I am beginning to feel like Jed Bartlet during his second term when his MS started to flare up and he had to continually step away and let his wife know he couldn’t focus. Let me be clear, no I am not comparing multiple sclerosis (especially form a fictional television show) with my bipolar type 2. I am simply comparing the effects that I am feeling with what the writers of that show were giving to him.
If this is how I am feeling now, only five days into the medication regiment, I am afraid of what is going to happen in another week when the dosage doubles, or two weeks after that when it doubles again, or the week after that when it grows by 1.5 times.
Kommentare