Day 4 2/8/2020
You would think on a Saturday everything would be smooth sailing. That is not at all the case today, as I try to physically and mentally prepare myself for a nine hour shift at a part time job who’s soul purpose is to supplement income until I can stabilize my music career. The Lamictal seems to have created a daze like fog state in my mind. When I’m not doing anything I zone out almost immediately. This occurs more often than not, as it seems to be increasingly harder to focus, keep my train of thought and stay on task if the task isn’t fully immersing my brain power. The perfect example, as I’m beginning to write this post at 12:15 pm, my head is heavy, my eyes are tired, and it is taking more than a normal amount of effort to remain focused and alert to my surrounding.
As the day progressed, slower than a snails pace with few people coming into the gym on a Saturday afternoon, the fogginess subsided, but the heaviness of my head is still there. This heavy feeling I have in my head and behind my eyes makes it hard to tell if it is an effect of the Lamictal or being tired. Even all the years I smoked weed, literally until I would pass out from excessive use and would only sleep two to three to four hours a night, my grogginess would disappear either moments after waking up or after working out, that is until I get high again immediately following my morning workout. Now it feels more like a constant daze, trying to navigate through different amounts of fog as the day progresses. Although this seems to be more of a during the day type of thing, around 7:30-8 pm after I take the pill and it sets in, I feel drowsy but alert. Even to the point of last night, after working two jobs for a total of around 12 straight hours and taking two-melatonin 5 mg pills to help sleep (ever since I was young I’ve had trouble falling and staying asleep, part of the reason I started smoking weed,) I was able to conceptualize, start and draft the first part of a spoken word I had an idea for. Be on the look out for that in the upcoming weeks.
Something I need to desperately get a handle on is my thoughts regarding the people in my life. Some in particular, but they will remain nameless with vague descriptions of the situations for the purpose of this post. I have always had the feeling I am a burden and bother to all of the people in my life outside of my mother, father (who does probably see me as a burden), and younger sister. There are very few people, outside of family and one possibly two others, that I have trusted enough to let my guard down with enough to establish, at least in my mind, a meaningful relationship. However, the constant feeling I have is that if I were to reach out, even to just say “Hi, how is everything going?” I would be bothering them. The worst thing I would ever want to do is become a burden to these very special people in my life. Due to this feeling, I never reach out and then our relationship dissipates as I sit alone in a corner crying my eyes out at the thought of losing these people from my life. The worst part of it all, I have messages in my phone that say they are there for me 100% and if I need anything they will help me in anyway they can. I know they love me, each in different ways now, but I can’t seem to get my mind to see what the reality is. My mind seems to like to be stuck in this fabricated mental concoction of constantly telling myself they don’t care about me.
All the people I am speaking of are my age or older. We all have busy lives, family, work, and their own personal problems, but I can’t seem to get myself to see this. All I see is the lack of communication and the vast difference of how things used to be, how things are in my mind, and the reality of the situation. I thought, hoped actually, the medication would help subside these thoughts like it did for the racing thoughts and most of the suicidal thoughts. It seems to have the no effect on these thoughts, every time I am alone they come up. Looking at my phone waiting for a message from them even if it is just saying, “Hey,” but that message never comes.
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