Day 3 02/07/2020
Granted I am only three days into my new prescription medication regiment, but today I feel more along the lines of what I thought my normal was. I’m feeling over tired, even though I slept for a full eight hours. My mind seems in a more down place than the last two days, and I am more in a daze, a kind of cloudiness that has me zoning out from time to time. The heaviness and pressure has seemed to increase today, but still with no pain. My mind and body feels like the weather outside today in New Jersey, damp, foggy, grey and slow moving.
I have the sensation of feeling like a sloth, but wanting to race forward like a rabbit. My mind is telling me to go, move, you have a laundry list of things that need to be done. However, my body and head, yes I separate my mind and head, are telling me to go home, be alone, stay in bed and go back to sleep. I don’t know what to make of this. To have the motivation to want to work, but at the same time having no motivation at all. It’s like I’m at the very beginning stages of a manic episode, which usually consists of me going into complete isolation for days, but this time the Lamictal is counter balancing these thoughts causing me to be in a purgatory like state.
On a positive note, this morning the sensation of waking up to a gun barrel against my head and firing didn’t happen. It was weird. Having woken up to this sensation for approximately the last six months, basically since my last mental break down, has become an expected norm. I don’t feel awake until I hear the gun fire and feel the bullet per ice through my brain and eject out the other side. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired today, not being woken up by this sensation has seemed to throw my internal clock out of wack. This makes me wonder, even though the actual sensation is terrible, it’s never good to imagine killing yourself, I woke up and felt something was missing. As if I stared the day wrong.
Feelings of depression and slight suicidal thoughts crept into my mind later in the day while driving home from the business I am starting. During the drive I had the constant thought of “losing control of my car,” purposely flipping it, just to see what would happen. To see if I would survive. I don’t know why these feelings came back today. Overall it was a productive day, I was able to finish two contracts, create two new revenue streams and was promoted to president of the label/music company I work for. To have these thoughts at the end of the day of ending it all is weird. Normally I have these thoughts on a regular basis, even attempting a couple of times in the past, so much so I have adapted to these thoughts as my normal brain function. Lamictal seems to be keeping these types of thoughts at bay, but today, waking up tired and sluggish seems to have had an adverse effect on my mental state.
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